For the First Time in the Millennium.

There are many things that will happen in the new millennium that we will call first. Like, the first time that you brush your hair, or the first time that you sachet into a room, or the first time that you sing the Star Spangled Banner and sing, "O'er the land of the brave and the home of the free." Get it? Think of what you will be doing for the first time in the millennium. Here is a list of firsts for me...Y2OK.

In the new millennium, it will be the first time that...

I burn my mouth on a stove.

I press ctrl alt del and cross my fingers.

I rave about Heinz Ketchup.

I compliment a woman in a black dress.

I get slapped for complimenting a woman in a black dress.

I wear a big foam hand to a baseball game.

I use poster tape.

I rent Moonstruck.

I don't leave the house on Friday the 13th.

I take 2 pi and multiply by the radius and forget what that equals.

I smash a mosquito further into my arm.

I stand on my head, count backwards from 20, and pass out at number 9.

I pretend to have seen Cats on Broadway.

I make too many raisin cakes and some go bad.

I run out of quarters and resort to nickels and dimes.

I explain to a kind officer why my trunk is filled with prescription narcotics.

I lie to a small child about being his father.

I lie to a small child about being her father.

I claim to be an astronaut.

I buy generic toilet paper.

I complain about using generic toilet paper.

I call a pound sign a tic-tac-toe board.

I play with my toy Yoda.

I claim to be the inspiration for the sitcom, "Taxi".

I wash my whites and colors together while using bleach.

I get a case of clicking wrist.

I buy a Weird Al CD.

My secret identity as a super hero is revealed.

I read the Tao Teh Ching.

I reread the Tao Teh Ching.

I ask a Zen master about the Tao Teh Ching.

I read the Tao Teh Ching again at the request of the Zen master.

Opportunity knocks, and I yell, "I got a shot gun."

I leave the Jokers in my deck of cards and ruin a perfectly good game of Solitaire.

I read a book entitled, "Hans in Luck", and get horribly depressed.

My extensive can collection gets destroyed by the evils of recycling.

I reiterate my position on recycling.

I connect at 40bps on a 56k modem.

I buy a dozen golf balls at less than the retail price.

I bring balance to the force.

I claim to have Tourette's Syndrome -- temporally #@!! mother @$!#.

I reinvent the wheel and explain why it is different.

I say, "Smashing Mouth".

My skin crawls after an accident involving a snake and a chalkboard.

I go see Toy Story 32, starring the Tom Hanks 2000 android.

I shave a portion of my one eyebrow creating two eyebrows.

I find one of my CD's in another CD case.

My pen explodes while watching Airplane.

I rave about people who say, "rave."

I visit another person's apartment and realize the purpose of a couch.

My clicking wrist is unable to air quote, so all of my quotes are open-ended.

I read signs backwards and stop at a pots sign.

I receive the gift that keeps on giving.

I give someone else the gift that keeps on giving.

I rewrite Mambo Number 5.

I watch a pot that boils faster than a stone gather moss while rolling.

I rub alcohol into an open flesh wound.

I wrap myself in foil and claim that it helps me think.

I realize that the child safety laws don't include me.

© Hans Scharler