Don't
ask a person why he wears a robe in public because they show
you why.
Be kind, always rewind.
When plugging in any electrical equipment, pretend to get
shocked.
When
anyone else is plugging in something, make the shock sound.
For
men: look straight at the wall at a urinal.
Never
light a scented candle.
Air
quote words that should not normally warrant an airquoting.
They
mean the warning label on shaving cream.
Buy
one collector's edition Elvis commemorative plate.
Preach
what you practice, and sometimes lie about what you practice.
Get
rid of all your white with red and blue stripped socks, shirts,
pants, and jackets.
Go
to the ballet with one of those big hand signs that says your
team is number one.
Learn
one card trick, and claim to be a magician.
Take
a bath with the shower on and play sunken submarine.
Save
plastics bags from the grocery store.
Choose
a brand of soap and spaghetti sauce and use it for life.
Make
a photo copy of your credit cards and send it to me at PO
BOX 492...
Memorize
your license plate number.
Learn Morse code and by a naval ship.
Remove
the emblem on your car.
Always
say good things about you car.
Separate
quarters from the rest of your change.
Learn
how to impersonate one famous person and one not famous person,
so know one knows who your impersonating.
Pretend
to have relatives that have been to every university in the
world.
Save
the bag of peanuts on every flight you take.
Remember
that everybody kind of sucks.
Criticize
every movie you see.
Buy
many things of toilet paper.
Never
buy an alarm clock from a mail-order catalog.
Go
to New York City once.
If
you're from NYC, then go to a small town and flip someone
the bird and talk loud at the truck stop.
Read
women's magazines.
Remember
that coffee is not an acquired taste, but coffee is required
for taste.
Learn
to mix drinks and pick locks.
Get
a tan once a once a year--screw the UV death rays.
Tape
the news and watch it weeks later, and go, Ahh.
Cut
things with your right hand and hold the fork in the left.
Use
Band-Aids and duct tape on all injuries inflected on yourself.
Fuzzy
dice are still vogue.
Wear
socks to bed, so you don't have to put them on in the morning.
Quote Dr. Suess.
Learn
to play one song on the touch pad of a telephone.
Buy
a corkboard and a set of push pins.
Steal
a road sign, but not STOP signs.
Remember
that baby powder is not just for babies.
Remember
that baby oil is not just for babies.
Learn
how to light a match with your thumb or zipper.
Believe
in aliens and God.
Keep
three albums with your CD collection.
Learn
how to order Chinese food in Chinese.
Measure
once and cut you finger twice.
Allow
6 to 8 weeks to process.
Talk
about getting a computer virus and the almost disastrous outcome.
Allow
others to tip at a restaurant.
Glass
sharp, cut bad.
Learn
how to order Chinese food in Chinese (seriously).