Although Not Double Jointed: Me On Myself.

Growing Up 

I grew up on I farm.  Except we didn’t do any actual farming.  We just grew beans and owned several farm animals.  These animals were more for tax reasons than anything else.  Once, when I was 5 years old, I got to see my father chop off a chicken’s head.  Boy was that weird.  It flew around much like the saying goes.  I don’t think this event had any ill effect on me, at least that what a board of psychotherapists said. (just kidding, they were psychologists.)  

Even though I have an older sister, I had to entertain myself as a child.  We didn’t have any neighbors my age so the only contact I had with my friends was at school.  My father was a truck driver and my mother was overprotective.   I blame her for my inability to hit a baseball.  

Religion  

Although I attended church for many years when I was young, I am a man without faith.  I would go on about this but I don’t like receiving email that contains the word “lamb”, “flock”, or “shepherd.”  Being scientific minded, I believe in only what I can see, touch, take pictures of, cut in half, trip over, and pound tent stakes in with.  I don’t, however, believe that death is the end.  I use the Law of Conservation Of Energy to justify this.  All of the energy contained inside my body has to go somewhere when I die.  (Unless, of course, I died after running a marathon.  In that case I wouldn’t have any energy left.)  This belief in only the tangible contradicts with my views on extra-terrestrial life since I have been unable to pound in a tent stake with an alien life form.  

Politics 

I only ever discussed politics two times and both times ended with the purchase of an artificial Christmas tree.  Although I have had years of experience with real trees, I still prefer the fake ones.  The whole concept is kind of fruity.  A tree is cut down (where it is perfectly happy), then rammed through your door and erected in your living room (where it dies and deposits needles in the carpet for you to find with your bare feet).  Some people say they like the smell of a real tree.  I solve that problem by mopping the kitchen floor.  

More problems arise with real trees when there are pets in the house.  My dog was only doing what came naturally then he marked my Douglas Fur with his scent.  Cats, on the other hand, have a problem with any kind of tree.  If they’re not climbing in it then they are laying on the backs, batting off the priceless hand blown glass ornaments that have been passed down for five generations. 

I think what really sold me on the artificial tree was the fact that it folded up like an umbrella. 

Hobbies and other General Time Wasters 

I don’t have any real organized hobbies like some people.  About the closest I get is the pleasure I take in tearing things apart.  I thought I would have grown out of it, but I still take apart anything that has screws (or even things that don’t if there is no heartbeat).  Nothing is safe in my house.  I’ve dissected phones, CD players, VCRs, toasters, microwave ovens, televisions, light fixtures, sewing machines, etc.  Nowadays I put stuff back together, which I’ve come to find saves money.  Actually this past time has evolved in to an ability to fix things.  My friends and relatives like to give my their broken appliances.  Usually I fix this stuff but they never want it back.  Right now I own 3 VCRs, 4 computers, 7 phones, 8 maids a milking, 2 toasters and a Planet of the Apes Battle Station.  Although I’m not sure why I was given the Battle Station, it has come to have a special place in my heart. 

Other things I collect include Tick merchandise, receipts (not on purpose),  Star Trek stuff (Yes I admit it, I’m a Trekkie. So let the force be with you.)  and old magazines (again, not on purpose).  I hope to start collecting moose soon. 
  
Simple Pleasures 

This is what I think makes me me (emphasis on the second me).  I like it when I’m driving down the street and I get to see the moment when a business turns its outside lights on.  I like it when a cop pulls over the guy who is passing me.  I like movie previews and AA batteries.  You know, now that I think of it, I like a lot of things.  So maybe to save some time I will list the things hate instead.  Better yet I think I will wait and devote a whole article to this topic instead.

© Pico Twang