Stupidity is a Beast.

Did you ever notice what happens to an aerosol can when it’s getting empty?  It sort of comes out in spurts with a lot of air.  Well apply this concept to Easy Cheese (you know the cheese spread in a can that squirts out the nozzle).  I purchased some recently, where it was sitting on a shelf, unrefrigerated.  On the top of the can it states “No Need To Refrigerate.”  Now doesn’t that sound like a pretty passive statement?  If the makers of this product really didn’t want us to keep this stuff in the refrigerator wouldn’t they have written something like “Do Not Refrigerate” or “Federal Law Prohibits Refrigeration Of This Product.”  Well that’s what I thought.  Needless to say I stuck it in the refrigerator after I was done with it. Which was pretty entertaining I might add.  Every cheese and cracker combination was a work of art.  And much to my delight, aerosol based cheese is a three dimensional artistic medium as well!  Not only can you write your name in cheese (two dimensional), but you can build little Triscut fortresses by using the Easy Cheese as a bonding agent to hold the walls and roof together (three dimensional).  Call me crazy, but there’s just something about artificially flavored, gas propelled dairy products that brings out the Picasso in me!

Anyway, back to the refrigerator…   My mother puts everything in the refrigerator.  I mean everything!  Besides keeping normal perishable foods in there she also keeps things like potato chips, Oreo cookies,  bread and superglue.  I’m not making this up, She actually keeps superglue in the freezer.  Aside from the superglue she does have a good defense.  She claims that if milk lasts longer inside the refrigerator then everything else should too.  Also (which is probably her real motivation) bugs can’t get to it in there.  She’s gets a little nutty when she sees an insect.

So after recreating the battle at Gettysburg with Wheat Thins and Sharp Cheddar I was left with an almost empty can.  And with my mother’s theory on refrigeration ringing in my ears, I put it in the fridge.

Now this would be a pretty boring story if I were to stop right here.  I know what you’re thinking, “how much more can someone write about cheese spread?”  Well let me tell you something, stupidity is a dangerous thing.

A few days later I went to use it again and I discovered that by placing it in a cold environment (i.e. the refrigerator) spreadable cheese gets thick and won’t readily come out of the nozzle.  But, armed with a basic law of physics, I was determined to get this product working at peak performance again. So with my cold aerosol can in hand, I marched to the kitchen sink where I proceeded to hold it under scalding hot water for several minutes. Because as we all know, gas expands when heated.  Seemed logical to me:

PRESSURE IN CAN = CHEESE ON CRACKER.

But alas, nothing goes the way you want it to.  You see I failed to take a different basic law of physics into consideration; gas heats faster than cheese spread.  So as I tilted my warm can of Easy Cheese earthward, pointed it at the poor Reduced Fat Triscut, and eased back on the nozzle (the more I think about this the more it reminds of a scene from Top Gun) ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!  I was at the helm of the first fully-automatic pasteurized cheese cannon!  Little did I know that that when I thought I was reconstructing the battle at Gettysburg, I was actually foretelling my own future.  My kitchen was a mess, the cracker was blown to bits, (I’m glad I didn’t try to squirt it in my mouth.  Can you imagine those headlines…  “Man Commits Suicide by Lethal Use of Cracker Spread”) and whatever cheese that was left was now distributed throughout my kitchen.

Now I hope we have all learned something from this.  Well at least I have.  I learned that “No Need To Refrigerate” really means “This Product Could Possible Mame if Refrigerated.”

Stupidity is a beast.  It has claws and fangs and wears flip-flops.  You’ve felt its bite. Like when you set your alarm for PM instead AM or when you decide to go by the “it’s still good a week after the expiration date” rule.  It lurks in the shadows.  Like when you decide to go through a room without turning the light on.  It’s hiding in the back seat of your car when you set that Biggie drink on the dash and then it howls with laughter as you swerve to miss a squirrel, emptying all 32 oz. of carbonated bliss in your crotch.  There’s only one known defense against this indiscriminant creature that resides somewhere between “not enough sleep” and “A Very Brady Sequel.”  Stupidity can be stopped dead in its tracks by thinking THEN doing.  I know, I know…  We live in a world where thinking isn’t all that popular anymore.  But be an individual and go against the grain.  And live life by the words of my late Grandpa Twang, “Use your head for something other than a place to stick fishin’ hooks.”

© Pico Twang